Thank you for writing this. I'm having the Nth falling out with my family too. It really does feel like trying to understand and communicate with a void while it swallows you whole. I don't have any advice either, but good for you for removing yourself from a hurtful situation and boundary-setting. I know that's not easy at all.
My father once said that queer people don’t deserve to be alive. Not really to me. Not even out of cruelty but just as if it was an absolute truth he couldn’t imagine anyone arguing with. And then I was very angry for a long time and on the few occasions we did(do) talk, it was either brief or loud - maybe 4/5 times a year and mostly encouraged by my mom. And then I saw Richard Siken read when War Of The Foxes came out and he talked about his relationship with his dad (similarly fraught) and how during a particular interaction he just said to himself “I decline” to all of the hate and anger and fighting he was also inheriting and I felt a similar sense of calm. Or finality maybe. So a few weeks later I tattooed “I DECLINE” across the back of my wrist in block letters -a very loud spell- and did the best I could to let go of the anger. The sadness is harder and I definitely still have moments where I grieve for the relationship I didn’t get to have. But families are built as much as they’re born and I will build life full of the love I didn’t get if I have to. I wish I had advice but honestly you just deserve better. I’m really so sorry you have to be the one to carry it all. You deserve a love that isn’t founded on hate or tolerance but curiosity and celebration.
Thank you for sharing this. I wish I had advice, I don’t. I was fairly estranged before being v openly queer. But the urges you describe — to fix it, the feeling you’re missing out otherwise, etc… I feel them.
Wish I could help, but I can offer some solidarity and love. I’m so sorry you know these feelings.
I know you are asking for advice here but I just wanted you to know that the sentiments you are feeling are some that I thought were well stated, and beautiful stated at that. I've had mini falling outs with my close family; i say mini because anytime it happened and I wanted to cut them off and put some distance between us, there was always a mediator (family member) encouraging the affected parties to "make up" which kinda consisted of an apology but because it was always so soon, i don't think i really got to contend with what I'm feeling and why. I think you are doing well with having your chosen family and even feeling them with you; i typically go for a quiet tundra of solitude and sadness and try my best to recuperate by doing things that put me back into my center of gravity.
my father told me i would always be his little girl when i came out as trans and i have never felt like that little girl so i felt crushed knowing he wasn’t seeing me as a full person and still chose to see my life as a series of choices i made to make things more difficult. thank you for sharing this
Thank you for writing this. I'm having the Nth falling out with my family too. It really does feel like trying to understand and communicate with a void while it swallows you whole. I don't have any advice either, but good for you for removing yourself from a hurtful situation and boundary-setting. I know that's not easy at all.
My father once said that queer people don’t deserve to be alive. Not really to me. Not even out of cruelty but just as if it was an absolute truth he couldn’t imagine anyone arguing with. And then I was very angry for a long time and on the few occasions we did(do) talk, it was either brief or loud - maybe 4/5 times a year and mostly encouraged by my mom. And then I saw Richard Siken read when War Of The Foxes came out and he talked about his relationship with his dad (similarly fraught) and how during a particular interaction he just said to himself “I decline” to all of the hate and anger and fighting he was also inheriting and I felt a similar sense of calm. Or finality maybe. So a few weeks later I tattooed “I DECLINE” across the back of my wrist in block letters -a very loud spell- and did the best I could to let go of the anger. The sadness is harder and I definitely still have moments where I grieve for the relationship I didn’t get to have. But families are built as much as they’re born and I will build life full of the love I didn’t get if I have to. I wish I had advice but honestly you just deserve better. I’m really so sorry you have to be the one to carry it all. You deserve a love that isn’t founded on hate or tolerance but curiosity and celebration.
Thank you for sharing this. I wish I had advice, I don’t. I was fairly estranged before being v openly queer. But the urges you describe — to fix it, the feeling you’re missing out otherwise, etc… I feel them.
Wish I could help, but I can offer some solidarity and love. I’m so sorry you know these feelings.
I know you are asking for advice here but I just wanted you to know that the sentiments you are feeling are some that I thought were well stated, and beautiful stated at that. I've had mini falling outs with my close family; i say mini because anytime it happened and I wanted to cut them off and put some distance between us, there was always a mediator (family member) encouraging the affected parties to "make up" which kinda consisted of an apology but because it was always so soon, i don't think i really got to contend with what I'm feeling and why. I think you are doing well with having your chosen family and even feeling them with you; i typically go for a quiet tundra of solitude and sadness and try my best to recuperate by doing things that put me back into my center of gravity.
I feel this. I feel you.
my father told me i would always be his little girl when i came out as trans and i have never felt like that little girl so i felt crushed knowing he wasn’t seeing me as a full person and still chose to see my life as a series of choices i made to make things more difficult. thank you for sharing this